you can't push the river

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[EN] Hi people!

Long time no see! Life has been a bit hectic again.

I am still working on the farm to complete my 88 days of regional work for my visa extension here in Australia. Additionally I have found some casual hospitality jobs for the week nights and weekends. Along with these jobs it has come to the point where I don't live on the farm anymore. I drive out to the countryside in the mornings and come back to the city for my bar jobs in the afternoons/evenings. Last but not least I try to spend a bit of time with the boyfriend. My days don't have enough hours. These are exhausting and frustrating times for me at the moment. However their exciting and personality-shaping in equal measure.

I have changed, I'm no longer the person I used to be before I decided to work as a volunteer on a farm. Over the past few weeks I have watched myself and thought a lot about what has changed and why. Today I would simply like to reflect on my personal development and what I've learned from the farm work.

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[DE] Hallo Welt!

Lang ists her, oder? Mein Leben war in letzter Zeit mal wieder etwas hektisch.
Ich arbeite noch immer auf der Farm meine vorgeschriebenen 88 Tage "Regional Work" ab um mein Visum hier in Australien zu verlängern. Zusätzlich dazu habe ich mir ein paar Gelegenheitsjobs in der Gastronomie an Land gezogen, in denen ich abends und am Wochenende zu tun habe. Die verschiedenen Arbeitszeiten meiner Barjobs zwingen mich nun dazu, morgens raus aufs Land zu fahren und dann nachmittags/abends zurück in die Stadt zu kommen anstatt dauerhaft auf dem Bauernhof zu wohnen. Dazu kommt dann noch der Versuch ein wenig Zeit für meine Beziehung aufzubringen. Ihr könnt euch jetzt sicher denken, dass meine Tage zu wenig Stunden haben. Es sind anstrengende und frustrierende Zeiten. Jedoch sind sie auch gleichermaßen spannend und persönlichkeitsprägend.

Ich habe mich verändert, bin nicht mehr die Person die ich war bevor ich mich für die Verlängerung meines Visums mittels freiwilliger Farmarbeit entschieden habe. In den letzten Wochen habe ich mich selbst mal studiert und viel darüber nachgedacht, was sich in mir verändert hat und wieso. Heute möchte ich einfach mal etwas darüber reflektieren, wie sich meine Persönlichkeit gewandelt hat und was ich von der Farmarbeit fürs Leben gelernt hab.

 

beanie: cotton on (here)

dress: cotton on (here)

cardi: jeanswest via good sammys

bag: kmart (similar here)

necklace: promod

[EN] The first and most important thing I have learned over the past weeks is that you can't push the river. This is a wise thing a psychologist once told me. It means you can't rush events in life and you also can't avoid them. The water in the river will flow at its own pace and nothing can rush it or hold it back. Life flows. Sorry, here you can see that I studied philosophy. I have a strong belief in a certain kind of determinism. Everything in life happens for a reason and sometimes it takes a while for us to understand.

Right now I'm not even sure if or when I will come back to Australia next year. Still I'm working hard for the visa extension. Why? I'm not sure yet but I believe it's happening for a reason.

I actually wanted a paid fruit picking or pruning job and was willing to move far away from Perth. Still it just so happened that I ended up in an unpaid volunteer farm job in the rural outskirts of the city, able to go back home to Jay every night. Everything always ends up differently than expected. I am even-handedly excited and terrified of where life will take me, but I know it's meant to be going in whatever direction I'm heading.

That's some deep stuff, I know,but it has always worked for me to hold on to this theory.

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[DE] Die erste und wichtigste Sache, die ich über die letzten Wochen gelernt habe, ist: "You can't push the river.", oder frei übersetzt "Du kannst den Lauf der Dinge nicht beeinflussen." Das hat mir mal ein Psychologe gesagt. Es bedeutet, dass man gewisse Ereignisse im Leben weder beschleunigen, noch herauszögern kann. Das Wasser im Fluss fließt in seiner eigenen Geschwindigkeit und lässt sich nicht von seinem Weg abbringen. Das Leben fließt. Sorry, hier merkt man mal wieder dass ich Philosophie studiert habe. Ich glaube ganz fest an eine bestimmte Art von Determinismus. Alles passiert aus einem bestimmten Grund und manchmal dauert es eben ein wenig, bis wir die Gründe gewisser Geschehnisse verstehen.

Gerade jetzt bin ich mir noch nicht mal sicher, ob und wann ich nächstes Jahr nach Australien zurückkehren werde. Trotzdem arbeite ich hart um die Verlängerung für mein Visum zu bekommen. Warum? Weiss ich nicht so genau, aber ich bin mir sicher es passiert aus einem bestimmten Grund.

Ich wollte eigentlich auf jeden Fall einen bezahlten Job als Obstpflücker oder Pruner (Weinreben-Beschneider). Außerdem war ich dazu bereit weit wegzuziehen von Perth und meinem Freund. Stattdessen ist es doch irgendwie dazu gekommen, dass ich unbezahlte Freiwilligenarbeit auf einer Farm leiste, die gerade so außerhalb der Stadtgrenze liegt und es mir ermöglicht jeden Abend nach Hause zu Jay zu fahren. Es kommt eben immer anders als man denkt. Ich bin gleichermaßen gespannt und habe Angst, vor dem, was das Leben mir noch so bringen wird. Ich weiss aber, dass es vorherbestimmt ist - was auch immer passieren mag.

Ziemlich tiefgründiger Kram, ich weiss. Hat für mich aber immer funktioniert und mir durch schwere Zeiten geholfen.

[EN] Another thing I've learned is that money is not always the most important factor and that if you really want to find work you can.
I've always been so lucky to have very supportive parents and friends, yet was a student for 8 years and worked a lot to leave university debt-free. I moved to Perth on the minimum budget the government wants you to have to migrate to Australia - and spent all my savings in the first two months because I was unemployed. I started from scratch money-wise with my first job here. After a while, when there was finally some money left at the end of the month, that was when I had to quit the paid job and go to the farm because I was running out of time with my visa. Life is a bitch sometimes.
However I made it through my first month of farm work with only little savings just fine. The reason for this is that I worked in exchange for accommodation and food, so I had no spendings on rent or groceries. I was surprised about how much that saves you each week!
I have to admit though, that I enjoy the little things in life, like buying a coffee here, a nail polish there. It is not absolutely necessary, but I like to be able to afford something nice sometimes. I got a bit sick of the low-key life and decided to cash up again. I wrote lots and lots of applications for all sorts of jobs but didn't hear back from any of them in the first couple of weeks. It was frustrating but I kept going and tried to constantly improve and change around my resume and cover letter. 4 weeks later I had finally put together application documents, that seemed to have impact on the companies. I scored two jobs in two weeks!
That taught me that, even if you feel rejected, you have to keep going and improving. If you want it enough, try hard and let go of narrow-mindedness you can always find a job.

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[DE] Eine weitere Sache die ich gelernt habe ist, dass Geld nicht immer der wichtigste Faktor im Leben ist und dass man wirklich immer Arbeit finden kann wenn man nur will.
Ich war schon immer mit Eltern und Freunden gesegnet, die mich bei allem unterstützt haben. Allerdings war ich aber auch 8 Jahre lang Student und habe viel gearbeitet um schuldenfrei aus dem Studium rauszukommen. Ich bin mit dem Minimum an Budget hier nach Perth gekommen, das einem Einwanderer von der australischen Regierung vorgeschrieben wird - und habe all mein Erspartes direkt in den ersten 2 Monaten ausgeben müssen weil ich arbeitslos war. Mit meinem ersten Job hier habe ich finanziell wortwörtlich wieder bei Null angefangen. Als ich mich endlich zu dem Punkt gearbeitet hatte, wo am Ende des Monats etwas Geld übrig blieb, musste ich den bezahlten Job kündigen und meine Farmarbeit beginnen weil mir visa-technisch die Zeit davonlief. Manchmal tritt einem das Leben eben echt in die Fahrradkette.
Ich habe es aber trotzdem prima durch die ersten 1,5 Monate auf der Farm geschafft, da ich als Entlohnung für die Arbeit freie Kost und Logie bekommen habe. Ich habe also keine Miete oder Lebensmittel bezahlen müssen und war selber ganz erstaunt wie sehr man dadurch Geld spart!
Zugegebenermaßen war ich es aber dann irgendwann satt auf Sparflamme zu leben. Ich kaufe mir gerne mal einen Kaffee hier, einen Nagellack dort... Es ist zwar nicht unbedingt notwendig, aber ich leiste mir halt gerne ab und an Kleinigkeiten. Das führte schnell zu der Entscheidung mir einen bezahlten Nebenjob zu suchen um wieder etwas Geld in die Kasse zu bringen. Ich habe wirklich viele Bewerbungen geschrieben, hörte aber in den ersten paar Wochen von keiner Firma zurück. Es war mehr als frustrierend aber ich blieb am Ball, änderte und verbesserte meinen Lebenslauf und das Anschreiben stetig. Nach 4 Wochen hatte ich meine Bewerbungsunterlagen dann anscheinend endlich soweit ausgefeilt, dass ich positive Rückmeldungen erhielt. Letzendlich bekam ich zwei Zusagen in zwei Wochen für Gastro-Jobs.
All das hat mich gelehrt, dass man es nur genug wollen muss und nicht aufgeben darf. Wenn man es wirklich will und nicht engstirnig ist, dann findet man auch Arbeit. 
 

[EN] I could still go on about things I've learned but I guess I'll save them for next time because this post is so long already. That was a lot of reflecting and rambling. If you made it to the end here thank you very much! It always feels good to publish some of my thoughts here so they don't congest my brain wires.
As for the outfit: I needed it bummy and comfortable that day. Loose-fit plaid dress, cozy knit on head and shoulders and I'm good to go.
Happy Hump Day, have a lovely evening everyone!

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[DE] Ich könnte noch so viele Dinge aufzählen die ich gelernt habe, aber ich spare sie mir für ein anderes mal auf weil der Post hier schon so lang ist. Das war ganz schön viel Gereflektiere und Gefasel. Falls ihr es bis hierher geschafft habt möchte ich euch ganz herzlich danken! Es ist jedes Mal ein gutes gefühl ein paar Gedanken hier abzuladen damit sie meine Hirnwindungen nicht verstopfen.
Fröhlichen Mittwoch allerseits, macht euch nen schönen Abend!

free falling

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[DE] Hallo meine Lieben!

Jede Woche nehme ich mir vor mehr als einen Post zu veröffentlichen und jede Woche klappt es nicht weil ich im Moment so komisch drauf bin.

In letzter Zeit fühle ich mich trotz regelmäßigem Sport und genügend Obst und Gemüse doch sehr ausgelaugt, gestresst und antriebslos. Ich weiss gar nicht was mit mir los ist, denn so weinerlich und empfindlich kenne ich mich eigentlich selbst nicht - und so gefalle ich mir auch nicht. Was mich so stresst ist meine momentane Situation, die sich irgendwie wie ein freier Fall anfühlt.

Ich habe meine Wohnung in Deutschland aufgegeben, habe all mein Hab und Gut verkauft und nur das Nötigste bei Papa im Keller verstaut und bin nach Australien gegangen. Hier in Australien war ich die ersten 3 Monate arbeitslos und habe deshalb all mein Erspartes aufgebraucht. Jetzt habe ich zwar einen Job mit festem monatlichem Einkommen, habe aber kein Geld und auch keine Zeit übrig um zu reisen und mir Australien mal genauer anzuschauen. Es ist frustrierend! Noch dazu weiss ich gar nicht, wie es weitergehen soll so ohne Erspartes und ohne Plan und Ziel. Ich hänge ein bisschen in der Luft und das fühlt sich ein wenig seltsam an. Noch dazu bin ich jemand, der viel zu viel nachdenkt und deshalb nicht zur Ruhe kommt und das macht mich im Moment so wahnsinnig müde und lustlos.

Wenn man so einen Punkt im Leben erreicht ist die beste Lösung, sich darüber klar zu werden, was man will. Es ist schwierig, aber es passiert langsam, ich bin auf dem Weg dorthin, es kristallisiert sich langsam eine Richtung heraus. Die gesamte letzte Woche hat sich angefühlt, als hätte ich mich selbst unterwegs verloren und würde langsam wahnsinnig werden. Ab morgen habe ich mir vorgenommen mich selbst zu therapieren, wieder mehr Yoga zu machen, eine Massage für meinen armen von Stessverspannungen geplagten Rücken zu buchen, tief durchzuatmen, mich nicht verrückt zu machen und in Ruhe zu überlegen, wie es für mich weitergehen soll. Es ist zwar angsteinflößend so frei zu fallen was den weiteren Verlauf des eigenen Lebens angeht, aber es ist ja auch positiv, da einem alle Möglichkeiten offen stehen. Alles wird gut wenn ich Herz und Verstand dazu bringe, wieder zusammenzuarbeiten. Herausforderung angenommen!

// dress: primark (second hand via ebay) // necklace: new yorker // purse: primark // shoes: h&m //

[EN] Hi loves!

Every week I plan to publish at least two posts here and everz week I fail because I'm in such a weird mood at the moment.

Despite regular workouts and enough veggies and fruit I've been feeling pretty drained, stressed out and lethargic. I don't know myself that whiny and sensitive and I don't like myself like this. What stresses me out so much is my current situation that feels like a total freefall.

I gave up my apartment in Germany, sold all my belongings, stored only the essentials in my dad's basement and moved to Australia. Here in Australia I was unemployed over the first three months which forced me to spend all my savings. Now I have a job with a fixed monthly income but I don't have any savings or time to travel and see more of this beautiful country. It's so frustrating! On top of this I have no idea where to go from here without savings or a plan or goal. I'm free falling and it feels strange. Furthermore I'm a person who thinks way too much and this is what makes me so restless, tired and unmotivated.

When you reach such a point in your life, the best is to find out what you want. It is really hard, but I'm slowly getting there, it's emerging, I'm finding a direction. The whole week I've been feeling like I lost myself along the way. I was honestly thinking I'm going insane. Starting from tomorrow I have made the resolution to treat myself by doing more Yoga, booking a massage for my stress-related tense back, breathing deeply, not driving myself insane and sorting out where to go from here.

It may be scary to find yourself in such a freefall situation but it's also a positive thing because all doors are open and I can choose what path to take for my life now. Everything will be okay if I can make my heart and mind work together again. Challenge accepted!

 

 

[DE] Das Outfit hatte ich übrigens vor zwei Wochen an, als wir mit Js Familie Indisch essen waren. Ich wollte nicht zu schicki sein aber ein bisschen aufgehübscht hatte ich mich dann doch mit Kleidchen und Klunkerkette. Muss ja auch manchmal sein.

So, das wars für heute. Den Rest des Tages (hier ist eh schon Abend) werde ich faulenzenderweise im Bett verbringen mit Tee und Dokus, damit ich mich endlich mal wieder etwas entspanne nach dem ganzen Zukunftsangst-Stress in letzter Zeit.

Frohe Ostern! Habt einen schönen freien Tag morgen! 

[EN] By the way this outfit is from two weeks ago when we went out with J's family to have Indian dinner. I didn't want to be too chic but dolled myself up a little with the teadress and glam necklace. Sometimes it's got to be a bit of bling.

Well, that's pretty much it for today. It's 9 pm here already anyway, so I'll spend the rest of the evening in bed with tea and documentaries to unwind a bit from all the worries I had over the past days.

Happy Easter! Have a nice day off tomorrow! 

 

comfy and cozy - goodbye to little vanities

- For ENGLISH scroll down please! -

[DE] Guten Tag ihr Lieben!

Ich hab die Grippe von letzte Woche hinter mir gelassen und gehe wieder fleißig zum Thaiboxen. Und damit sind wir quasi auch schon beim Thema (und Titel) dieses Posts: cozy und comfy, also schön gemütlich und kuschelig bequem. Wo ist jetzt da der Zusammenhang? Aaalso, lasst mich erklären.

Ich bin ja wenns um bestimmte Dinge geht ein sehr eitler Mensch. Zum Beispiel habe ich jahrelang das Haus fast nie ohne Makeup verlassen. Meine Oberarme find ich dick und trage deshalb so gut wie immer ein Jäckchen oder einfach was mit längeren Ärmeln. Seit ich den Pony habe bin ich auch nie irgendwo hin ohne ihn in Form zu föhnen. Die kleinen Eitelkeiten und Marotten des täglichen Lebens eben.

Seit ich hier in Australien bin und die letzten vier Monate fast ausschließlich Sonne pur bei durschnittlich 35 °C und niedriger Luftfeuchtigkeit hatte, habe ich mich ganz unbewusst ein wenig "enteitelt". Zusätzlich habe ich ja angefangen 3-4 Mal die Woche Kampfsport zu trainieren - und das findet in einer umgebauten Industriehalle ohne Klimaanlage bei 35°C statt. Wenn alle beim Training schön schwitzen sind es auch schonmal locker gefühlte 45°C.

Ich trainiere im Achselshirt ohne Ärmel und das ist - oh Wunder - irgendwie gar nicht so schlimm und meine dicken Oberarme sind vergessen. Außerdem binde ich mir die Haare samt Pony in einem Dutt hoch weil ich immer schwitze wie Bolle und die Strähnen sonst überall kleben. Leben mit Pony aus dem Gesicht - überraschenderweise gar nicht schlimm, entstellt mein Gesicht doch nicht so sehr. Ich finde mich inzwischen sogar recht hübsch mit Dutt und trage ebendiesen gern auch mal außerhalb des Sportstudios.

Jetzt wo es hier zum Glück langsam Herbst wird stehen bei mir auch kuschelige Sweatjacken hoch im Kurs. Ich fühle mich gut weil ich trainiere und gesund esse und mache mein Wohlbefinden größtenteils  davon abhängig anstatt von möglichst stylishen Outfits, die ab und zu echt mal richtig unbequem sind. Scheiss auf "High Waist", das drückt nach dem Mittagessen nur auf den Magen wenn man wieder am Schreibtisch sitzt. Bequem ist das neue (altbewährte) cool! Und diese Aussage schließt ja nicht aus gut gekleidet zu sein. Das beste Outfit ist sowieso bequem UND stylish!

Und deshalb gibts mich heute zum ersten Mal in einem Outfitpost mit Dutt und Sweatjacke.

[EN] Good day lovelies!

I have left last week's flu behind and have been going to my thaiboxing classes again this week. This leads us to today's topic (and the title of this post): Comfy and cozy.

What's that got to do with the price of eggs? Well, let me explain.

I'm a vain person when it comes to certain things. I would hardly ever leave the house without make-up for a long time. I find my upper arms too chubby so I always wear some kind of cardi or throw. My fringe always has to be styled before I go somewhere. Just the little vanities and quirks in everyday life.

Here in Australia some things have changed for me because over the last four months I've been living with an average of 35°C and low air humidity daily. I also go to my thaiboxing classes 3-4 times a week and these take place in an old warehouse without aircon. Depending on how much we sweat it can also feel like 45°C.

I go to my classes wearing tank tops without sleeves and - surprise! - despite my chubby arms it's not as bad as I thought. I also tie my hair including the fringe up in a bun to avoid sticky sweaty strands on my face and neck. Lo and behold! I've come to the point where I think I actually look okay with my hair up. I even started to wear a bun outside of the martial arts studio.

Now that autumn is drawing nearer here in Oz I have also rediscovered my love for cozy zip hoodies. I tend to mostly feel good about myself because I work out and have a healthy diet. My well-being does not depend so much on stylish outfits anymore.

Screw trends like "high-waisted", it just squishes my stomach after lunch at the office when I sit at my desk all afternoon. Plus: Cozy and comfy does not exclude looking stylish anyway. The best outfits are the ones that combine both.

And that's why you see me with a bun and without fringe in a zip hoody for the very first time in an outfit post here today!

// scarf: target // jacket: topshop // dress: cotton on // shoes: rubi //

[DE] Diese Schühchen sind Neuzugänge und waren ein absoluter Glückstreffer. Gefunden habe ich sie im Watertown Outlet Centre (ehemals Harbourtown) bei Cotton On. Dort gibt es momentan eine "3 Paar für $10" Sonderaktion. Mann was hab ich mich gefreut! Diese wunderhübschen Exemplare waren die letzten ihrer Art im Regal und dann auch noch Größe 36. Normalerweise brauche ich 37 aber tatsächlich haben sie mir in diesme Fall auch eine Nummer kleiner gepasst. Ich Glückspilz!

Wenn ihr mir bei Instagram folgt habt ihr die anderen 2 Paar Schuhe letztens sehen können. Wenn ihr dort nicht angemeldet seid müsst ihr euch noch etwas in Geduld üben bis ich sie euch in einem Outfitpost präsentiere.

[EN] These shoes are new and a total lucky strike. I found them at the Watertown Outlet Shopping Centre (formerly Harbourtown) at Cotton On. They have a "3 pairs for $10" special going on there at the moment. These red white dotted cuties were the last of their kind in the shelf and a size 36. Usually I need 37 but somehow it was meant to be because they fit perfectly. I'm such a lucky devil.

If you follow my Instagram you already had a sneak peek on the other two pairs of Rubi shoes I bought. If you're not on Instagram you have to wait for future outfit posts to see them, sorry.

Have a lovely day! / Habt einen schönen Tag!

looking back on 2014

favourite outfits

It was a year of colourful outfits with playful prints.

upper left to lower right:
1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 

important events

A broken foot, two weddings (one of them being my mum's second one), my 28th birthday and finishing university as a Bachelor of Arts.

the big move

I made the decision to follow my Australian boyfriend to his home country.

After having lead a long-distance relationship for 8 months I finally took the big leap, got rid of most of my belongings, left Germany behind and moved to Australia.

My boyfriend had left Germany in February and when I went to Australia in October we were finally reunited again.

 

That was my year.

I have made lots of changes, readjusted my views on many things in life, set new priorities.

I closed old chapters and opened new ones, achieved a lot that had seemed impossible for me before.

I worked hard to reach my goals, discovered new sides about me, said goodbye to my home and hello to a foreign country.

2014, you were not easy for me, you were a challenge!

I'm glad you were challenging though because you have brought me further.

Now you're over and all that's left to do is say

"Hello 2015, I hope you'll be a good one for me!".

Happy new year to all my lovely readers!

Thank you so much for supporting my blog!

 

the melancholic adventurous thinker

Hello!

I've been happy and sad at the same time a lot lately. On the one hand I'm looking forward to exploring a new city, meeting new people and doing new things soon. On the other hand I'll miss my apartment, my friends and the places I've been frequenting for two years or longer now.

I'm not the happy-go-lucky kind of girl, I'm a melancholic thinker. I associate places with the good and bad memories I made there.

Eight years ago I moved here without knowing this city or any people at all. And look what I made of it: I have found some of my best friends in life here, shared beautiful and sad moments with them, have lived in lovely apartments,...

This is my homebase now. I have a network of friends and acquaintances, a variety of places I like to go and I have these little daily rituals that make you feel like you're in the right place everyday. In the course of the last two years I've started frequenting the bakery around the corner every morning to grab a coffee and now I chat with the lady who works there everyday and we have our little insiders. I know where my favourite products are in the supermarket shelves. I know the baristas at my favourite cafés, the shortcuts when I walk home from the old town at night.

All this is what makes me feel at home here. I love this place and will always feel at home when I return from wherever life takes me.

However there is another part of me. It's not such a big part of me, but it exists: I'm also an explorer. That's why I'm looking forward to going to Australia. I love to explore new places, find the cute little cafés, the street art pieces, the quirky little shops, meet interesting new people and accept new challenges.

I can't wait to roam new streets and get lost because that'll be such a nice change. I know all the streets and shops in my neighbourhood but I won't know any of this there. I want to go to the national parks of Western Australia and see the beautiful landscape. I want to go sightseeing. I want to go shopping in shops I've never seen before. Have coffees in new places. I want to send postcards home to let everyone know I'm having the time of my life.

I really hope it's all going to be like this. Life can come up with nasty surprises sometimes and I really hope it'll spare me and just let me be happy for once.

As for the outfit: it was really cold that day! You guys must think I'm crazy because I keep posting summer outfits and autumn outfits in turns but that really is the current weather here.

I wore this last week and it was cold and rainy, I even had to turn on the heating at night. This week it's the complete opposite again, warm, sunny and without a cloud in the sky.

I've put my scarf and boots back in the closet or now, but only God knows if I'll have to take them back out next week or not.

Happy Wednesday!

when only the good die young ain't it ironic I age so well

Hi lovelies!

Somehow I feel strange. I'm not in a bad mood, but restless and agitated. I've been playing lots of my favourite songs, turning the volume up, singing along at the top of my lungs, jumping and dancing around in my bedroom to cheer up again after a discussion with the boyfriend on Skype earlier. And still I can't settle down again because I know these stupid discussions only happen due to the long distance relationship we lead at the moment.

It sucks so much to be limited to talking over video chat. Most often the connection is bad so we can't even look each other in the eyes properly - well you never look straight into the camera anyway, you always look at the video window of the counterpart. So there is no real physical communication at all, we're limited to intonnation and choice of words which doesn't always have a positive impact on the conversation.

Everytime time we discuss or fight it makes me feel like I'm an asshole. My boyfriend keeps telling me I'm too negative. Well, I'm still on my way to some good honest self-love and a healthy self-esteem and, oh boy, sometimes the path that leads there is rocky and steep. Sometimes I can't handle the slope and roll back down to a lower level where it takes me some time to get up and brush off the dirt and start climbing again.

The other day I've read a great post about self-love over at "Of North" and thought it must be great to have reached this healthy state of mind with an untainted image of yourself. I've been there before myself and looking back now I know that it felt really good. I would love to just go back and stay there but it isn't that easy, it's a struggle. And if there is a relationship involved with a partner who still has to learn how to handle your behaviour and vice versa it can be complicated at times.

Like today when you have to end the discussion unsolved because the time difference between here and Australia forces the counterpart to go to bed. Well, I hope things will get better after some more favourite songs and a good sleep.

Actually I think I might start baking now at 9 pm because that's another thing I love to do to calm down again. Earlier today I saw a recipe for cinnamon bun scones on Pinterest which I'm dying to try out and now that I think about it some cinnamony snacks for later would be perfect to roll up in my chair and watch some documentaries.

Happy Wednesday everyone!

I gave you something you can never give back

Hi guys!

It finally is autumn now. Regular readers might already know that all summer long I've been raving about how I love autumn and how I'm looking forward to wearing jumpers and scarves and tights again - well it's that time again now. Thank God the heat is over. I don't have to worry about how my pale legs with the hammy calves look in shorts, I don't have to think about how to best divert people's gazes from my red birthmarks on the leg to other more pleasant body parts. Also I don't have to be grumpy about sweating what feels like thirty litres an hour (and runining my hair with it), suffering from insect bites or heat rashes everyday and so on...

I could name you a thousand more reasons why I love autumn/winter so much, but let's just stick to the most important one: the atmosphere.

The transition from mildly warm summer nights with sunlight lingering on the horizon until 10 pm to crisp cool autumn nights with cloudy skies and rain has come pretty quickly now. Last week it was still summer here, this week it's clearly autumn. There is the smell of rain and wet fallen leaves in the air, a gloomy feeling about these drab and misty days. A little drizzle here, a little thunder and lightning there.

But it's also the season of golden trees, leaves and sunsets, all shimmering in different shades of red, brown and yellow. The season of taking a walk through the forest in a cozy jacket and rubber boots or roam the city and enjoy the smell of pumpkin-flavoured food and drinks on every corner.

It's time to put up candles at home, spread out warm blankets, hang lanterns into the windows, dig out the wool socks and favourite books for a little reading session in the armchair with a hot cup of cocoa and some cookies while outside in the dark the wind is blowing fallen leaves through the streets.

The whole atmosphere is getting cozier, that's what I love most.

Of course I can also paint lots of beautiful summer pictures in my head, but they are by far not as pleasant to me as all the autumnal thoughts. I could happily drown in them at the moment. 

You might wonder why I never complain about the cold as much as I do about summer heat. Well, I feel like I'm a rather cold person. Might sound strange at first, but let me explain: I can be a pretty cheerful and friendly person on the outside. I am polite, helpful, interested in lots of stuff, talkative, outgoing - but the people who see me like that only know less than half of the truth about me. I'm not saying I'm fake, definitely not, but I have my secrets, I have profound thoughts in my head that can make me get lost in the deep dark endless space of my brain. I like to think a lot, downright brood over all sorts of things. I like to be alone with my thoughts and observe the world and the people in it from a distant point of view.

That's why. Cold clear winter air lets me see things clearer and I like dressing for cold weather and covering up because it is similar to what I do with my mind most often. I cover it up and only let certain parts show - like when you wrap yourself up in warm garments but let certain parts like the face an hands free to be able to see, hear, grab etc.

I could go on about this for hours, try to explain how I feel about my relation to the dark season, but my observations and interpretations would probably be endless (oh yes I am truly a philosopher), so I will stop here.

By the way don't get me wrong, for the most part I'm a happy and balanced person, I just wanted to explain that there also is an other side of me that does not really show in public very often, not in actual public when I'm with other people and also not in virtual public here on the blog.

So don't worry, I'm fine. I need this gloomy side to balance my positive one. Ying and Yang so to speak.

As the outfit is not really spectacular, I hope you at least like how I tried to put the contrast of knit, lace and leather into focus in the photos. This look involves something old (the jacket), something new (the jumper) and something blue (the jeans) - but nothing borrowed, so screw the wedding analogy. It was just this Placebo songtext coming to my mind: "something borrowed, something blue, every me and every you".

Anyway, enough said for today. The only thing I would like to add is that this is my new favourite jumper of all times! It's so soft and comfy and cozy! I love the mottled black and white and the asymmetrical shape and the overall effortlessly cool style of it. It's from the recent H&M collection, matter of expense: 19,95 €. I say buy it because it's perfect!

Have a good day everyone!

 

now playing: the 1975 - me