Wednesday, 6 March 2013

comme ci comme ça


Today I need to get something off my chest again. I don't know why I want to write about it, but maybe I'll feel better afterwards, so let's give it a try.
I've been having a little problem lately: I cannot be alone. Yep, now you're allowed to consider me crazy, but I just tell you how it is. I am so not used to spend so much time by myself, it drives me mad. Some of you might remember my ramblings about living alone after the breakup? Well, actually I realized that living alone is not the real problem - being alone is. Some might wonder where's the difference?
Okay, I'll try to explain: since the age of 16 there was this warm and lovely feeling in the back of mind, this feeling to know that even when you spent time all by yourself, there was still somebody there for you if you needed them. First and foremost I'm talking about the boyfriend of course, but also about friends and family who were "available" when needed. And with available I mean really available. My boyfriend always was only one phone call away and so were my friends, and most of them even lived nearby so I could drop in and say hello to them whenever I felt like.
Later on when I moved away from home to the city it was a little harder for me, but being in a relationship kept me in a kind of safe warm bubble - I really can't put my finger on what it was, but even in times when I saw my boyfriend and my friends only at the weekends, I still did not feel alone for the rest of the week because they were there in my mind.

Now everything is different although not much has changed: I live alone again, like I already had before I moved together with my ex, so living alone is nothing new to me. Also I know that I could call my mum and my friends - and if necessary even my ex - at (almost) any time of the day when I wanted to and furthermore I know that all of them would be there for me when I felt low.
So why the hell do I feel so alone here in my apartment so often? I don't understand myself. I have these moments of perplexity when I sit here and have the urge to communicate. Then I browse through my contacts and feel like I can't text or call any of them. Why? I have no f*cking idea guys, seriously.
Is this because I'm missing the old constellations of people in my life or is this because I'm unconsciously longing for some completely new persons to communicate with?
I really don't know.

You know what, after having finished the paragraph above I can actually already feel that writing it down helps a lot. Thank God, at least a little easing!
I love this blog and I don't want to use it to spread my negative thoughts and mood across the internet, so posts like this one won't happen on a regular base. But still I thought maybe some of you might have an idea about how I could handle this new life chapter that apparently involves having to deal with myself a lot?
I try to distract myself from thinking too much of course. I try to get stuff done around the apartment, I watch series and movies a lot, I try to text, talk and go out with friends as much as possible, I try to meet new people (which by the way only works semi-good because I seem to be a freak magnet...).
Anyway, I try lots of stuff to keep me from falling into this hole, but nothing seems to really work so far. So if anyone has some more good ideas I'd love to hear them! 
By the way, can you see the philosophy student coming through in this post? It can be really exhausting to think about everything so much, but in the end I always feel like it has brought me farther and that it has triggered new trains of thoughts that will lead to new perspectives. This makes me feel perfectly mentally sane - even if now after seeing this post some of you are convinced that I'm not.
Wait, in this very second I'm having a brain wave about why I am a freak magnet.... ;)
If you made it this far: thanks for reading it all! I really feel a bit better now.

Until next time!

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  1. I hear you girl, I was feeling like that a few months ago. It's tough to go from having someone who wants to hang out with you at all times to having to be the one to initiate it with friends/family etc. It's tough to not have one person you can count on no matter what. But friends and family are very helpful, and being alone will again become satisfying
    I love this casual look, the striped top is oh so perfect with the khaki jacket and these shoes!!

  2. I know the feeling very well, only with me is a little different, because even if I am with someone most of the time I feel lonely and misunderstood. I try to get things done too, engaging in any activity I can and it does help, but at the end of the day the feeling is still there.
    Sorry if I can't help with an advice, but at least you know you're not the only one (I don't know if this helps in any way).

    Now let's go to the outfit: it's so darn cute! I love your top and shoes! :D

  3. der parka ist seehr schön und auch wenn mir das outfit etwas zu bunt wäre; es steht dir hervorragend!

  4. Ein schönes Outfit. Das gestreifte Shirt steht dir gut. Ganz zu schweigen von der tollen Mütze. Sie paßt perfekt zu deiner Haarfarbe,
    LG Cla

  5. Awesome outfit darling! Thanks for the follow! I am now following you back on gfc, and I followed you on bloglovin too! Hope you`ll follow me back there??

  6. The Parker <3 ,cute Pictures :)
    follow new ,mind follow back?

    kisses :)

  7. Im in the same boat and have yet to figure it out. IF you do, please share the advice :) You are beautiful!!


  8. ah darling. you have the most beautiful hair ever! xoxo

  9. Diese Chucks gefallen mir seeeehr !!!!

  10. Love your style!
    I follow your blog now ;)

  11. So cute, dear!
    Love your parka <333

  12. Also ich kanns echt nachvollziehen!
    Ich komm allein sehr gut klar und mach sehr gerne dinge allein oder bin allein, aber nur weil ich weiß es könnte anders sein, wenn ich es will. Vllt liegt es wirklich an der Veränderung an sich?
    Vllt ist es der Grund, dass eine Beziheung einem eine andre Nähe gibt wie Freundschaften und Familie?
    Ich denke aber auch, dass es immer hilfreich sein kann darüber zu schreiben und finde es daher gut, sowas ab und zu mal loszuwerden. Das kann genau so in einen Blog gehören ;)
    Ich finde du hast das ganz wundervoll geschrieben auch wenns natürlich ein unschönes Thema ist :(
    Ich hoff es wird ganz bald besser!

    Danke übrigens für den Kleiderkreisel-Pröbchen-Tipp!
    Darauf wär ich gar nicht gekommen :)

  13. oh hups...ganz vergessen :D
    Das Outfit find ich ganz ganz toll!
    Die Mütze find ich hammer und die passt super zum Parka, genau wie die Schuhe zum Shirt. Sehr cool :)

  14. Du und deine Hüte, die stehen dir aber auch so verdammt gut! Muss auch mal wieder häufiger welche tragen...


  15. love your outfit and glad you're starting to feel better! :)

  16. Why don't you have/get a roommate?? While I was at the university, I split up with my bf and felt so alone CONSTANTLY, but I lived in a flat with 3 other people. We all had our own rooms so you could be alone if you needed to, but you still had company - if you needed to. You can only clean and read and watch tv so much. Oh and I drank a lot.:) Not that I recommend it, but it helped.:)

  17. :)

    oh I understand you totally on this one.Try to decorate your home with happy colors, try to regurarly meet up with friends on coffee and sometimes it helps just embracing the feeling of loneliness. "Making friends with the enemy "
    Reading good books also helps a lot when feeling a bit lonely, i think.

    And oh,thank you for your bday wish, it made me :)


  18. I'm sorry you feel so alone-- I do often times to. So then I'll just nerd it up and go on xbox live or some other game where I can talk to people, that helps.

    On another note, you are absolutely beautiful, I love the hat and your hair is amazing!


  19. love your jacket! I have a similar one that I've been wearing a lot this week!

    Lady à la Mode

  20. cute and casual outfit!!

    hugs for you!! at the very least, i think it's good and healthy that you're able to express yourself and your feelings to this blog and to the people around you! :D

    Click me for my NEW BLOG

  21. hi darling. i think that this is something many people struggle with but i really urge you to take this time esp. since you are now single, to learn to love to be alone. if i have learned anything, it is that you have to be completely happy alone and on your own before you can be very happy with others. that doesn't mean that you have to isolate yourself, but just really learn to love the time spent being with yourself. i hope you are able to get to that point sweetheart. also cute photos, you are very cute girl.
    xx rae

  22. Hi, dear, really nice blog and great photos!!!
    Maybe we can follow each other !?
    And I invite you to a new giveaway in my blog!
    Shabana Khan giveaway – Win stunning earrings

  23. This really is tough :( Have you thought about maybe adopting a pet like a cat or a dog? Or even a guinea pig or a rabbit, something small that will always be there for you and love you unconditionally? People change, friends move away - but animals will always be there for you and with you.

    Have you thought about maybe planning little weekend trips to go on by yourself? Living in Germany you have so many countries nearby that are easy enough to access that you can go and explore by train!

    Sorry if my advice isn't really good, I'm one of those people that doesn't mind being alone...I'm a bit weird like that :P

  24. Oh, I feel like this all the time, you definitely should adopt a cat <3 !

  25. Cute!

  26. cute jacket. I know what you mean.. living alone can feel like that at times, sometimes having a roommate helps! hope you feel better <3


  27. Rebuilding your life after building it with someone else is really really hard and does take time. But you look cute as hell doing it! That stripy top is so great. I love it with your skinnies and jacket!

  28. great tee dear what do you think to follow each other? I'll wait for you on my blog
    happy day

    NEW POST!!!
    follow me on:
    the simple life of rich people blog

  29. Oh man das klingt mies. Ich hab es ja schon mal gesagt, aber ich denke mir würde es genauso gehen. Selbst wenn mein Freund mal ein WE weg ist kann ich kaum einschlafen, weil ich es einfach nicht gewohnt bin alleine zu sein. Also tagsüber bin ich gerne alleine, aber dann brauch ich auch jmd. der nach Hause kommt oder zu dem ich nach Hause komme. Deine "Negativität" auf dem Blog nervt übrigens gar nicht, dafür ist ein Blog doch auch da.

    Wenn du ein bisschen Ablenkung vertrage kannst, kannst du ja bei diesem Tag hier mitmachen :) Ist zwar auf Deutsch aber man kann die Fragen ja ganz leicht übersetzen. Ich wär auf jeden Fall gespannt auf deine Antworten. Und hier ist der Link

  30. Loving the stripes and your beanie<3 I just came across your blog and I'm your newest follower :) Would you mind checking out our blog and (if you like) following back via GFC and Bloglovin'? Looking forward to your next post! XX

  31. Get an outdoor hobby! I hope u feel better, i know it is difficult but you can do it! girl power hehe x


Thank you so much for your comments, I really appreciate every single one! <3


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