note to self: I miss you terribly

Hi guys!

The last week has been a really hot and sticky one weatherwise, so all I could bear on my body was light breezy cotton. I dug out this simple striped button-down dress from the back of my closet because I hadn't worn it in years. I was curious if it would still fit after the weightloss and in fact it fits even better now because it's not so tight around the bust and waist anymore. Only added a brown skinny belt, brown flats and wore a braid to avoid sweaty strands of hair sticking to my neck.

On the outside I've been pretty simple lately, but on the inside it's been the exact opposite. I've been thinking a lot about who I used to be in the past and who I am now and I've been trying to find out who I want to be. In the last months many different new people have entered and also already left my life again, many more than I  ever got to know in the time before P broke up with me. I used to be a totally different person when I was in a relationship because I was conserved in this safe bubble for almost ten years. I've been observing my behaviour towards new acquaintances a lot and the thing is you could probably ask five people and they'd all give you different descriptions of who they think I am because I behaved differently towards each of them. Of course it's nice to be able to choose who you want to be and to have the possibility of letting different sides of your personality out. And yes of course you sometimes adapt to other person's character because you know that for example not everyonne understands your sense of humour or your opinion about sensitive issues or whatever...

But somehow it's pretty hard to find out who you are and where you're heading when you are so caught between two stools concerning your behaviour.

I know many people say this about themselves, but I am an honest person and I appreciate it when others are honest too. But the problem is that most people can't handle honesty, even if it's carefully worded - and then you hold back certain things you'd like to say because you don't know if they could come across the wrong way. This confuses me.

Normally you should go for it and say "Alright, this is how I am, either you like it or not." - but sometimes there are people you would like to get to know better first and then you are afraid of scaring them off with being yourself and with being honest, because in the back of your mind it says "Once they know you better, they will like you the way you really are, until then try to hold back." This is actually bullshit because you're fooling them and yourself.... Still I catch myself thinking and doing this way too often.

People confuse me. Maybe I should move to a desolate place and become a hermit who only talks to her dog and plants. This would actually be quite relaxing for my brain...

These are the thoughts for the day. Anyone can relate to that? Or am I being too quirky about this and everything's easier than it seems?

now playing: philipp poisel - eiserner steg