Today I need to get something off my chest again. I don't know why I want to write about it, but maybe I'll feel better afterwards, so let's give it a try.
I've been having a little problem lately: I cannot be alone. Yep, now you're allowed to consider me crazy, but I just tell you how it is. I am so not used to spend so much time by myself, it drives me mad. Some of you might remember my ramblings about living alone after the breakup? Well, actually I realized that living alone is not the real problem - being alone is. Some might wonder where's the difference?
Okay, I'll try to explain: since the age of 16 there was this warm and lovely feeling in the back of mind, this feeling to know that even when you spent time all by yourself, there was still somebody there for you if you needed them. First and foremost I'm talking about the boyfriend of course, but also about friends and family who were "available" when needed. And with available I mean really available. My boyfriend always was only one phone call away and so were my friends, and most of them even lived nearby so I could drop in and say hello to them whenever I felt like.
Later on when I moved away from home to the city it was a little harder for me, but being in a relationship kept me in a kind of safe warm bubble - I really can't put my finger on what it was, but even in times when I saw my boyfriend and my friends only at the weekends, I still did not feel alone for the rest of the week because they were there in my mind.
Now everything is different although not much has changed: I live alone again, like I already had before I moved together with my ex, so living alone is nothing new to me. Also I know that I could call my mum and my friends - and if necessary even my ex - at (almost) any time of the day when I wanted to and furthermore I know that all of them would be there for me when I felt low.
So why the hell do I feel so alone here in my apartment so often? I don't understand myself. I have these moments of perplexity when I sit here and have the urge to communicate. Then I browse through my contacts and feel like I can't text or call any of them. Why? I have no f*cking idea guys, seriously.
Is this because I'm missing the old constellations of people in my life or is this because I'm unconsciously longing for some completely new persons to communicate with?
I really don't know.
You know what, after having finished the paragraph above I can actually already feel that writing it down helps a lot. Thank God, at least a little easing!
I love this blog and I don't want to use it to spread my negative thoughts and mood across the internet, so posts like this one won't happen on a regular base. But still I thought maybe some of you might have an idea about how I could handle this new life chapter that apparently involves having to deal with myself a lot?
I try to distract myself from thinking too much of course. I try to get stuff done around the apartment, I watch series and movies a lot, I try to text, talk and go out with friends as much as possible, I try to meet new people (which by the way only works semi-good because I seem to be a freak magnet...).
Anyway, I try lots of stuff to keep me from falling into this hole, but nothing seems to really work so far. So if anyone has some more good ideas I'd love to hear them!
By the way, can you see the philosophy student coming through in this post? It can be really exhausting to think about everything so much, but in the end I always feel like it has brought me farther and that it has triggered new trains of thoughts that will lead to new perspectives. This makes me feel perfectly mentally sane - even if now after seeing this post some of you are convinced that I'm not.
Wait, in this very second I'm having a brain wave about why I am a freak magnet.... ;)
If you made it this far: thanks for reading it all! I really feel a bit better now.
Until next time!
now playing: polar bear club - take me to the town